“You Can’t Give Up. You’re Not Allowed.”

by Tee Morris on March 14, 2011

I never like seeing friends stressed out. Whether it is intensely stressed out or just out of their groove, it just kills me. It is amplified more when I feel the bumpy ride of Life’s rougher patches. Last week, snapping back from what can only be described as an “emotionally charged night” between me and the World, I read up on a writer and friend I admire and hold dear. Turns out he was also hitting a rough patch of road.

Phil Rossi, the multitalented man with the flowing hair of awesome, began a series of posts called “Paralysis.” He’s working through a writer’s dry spell; and in “Part I: Stranded,” he went “All In” like the rock-and-roll badass that he is:

“Another truth–I’ve never been in this place before. I don’t recognize the countryside.  The air here is different—heavy and overwhelming. Talk about a wrong turn. In the past, I’ve been able to work through any creative block. This is different.”

It was in this passage from the second posting in this series entitled “Part II: Patience” where I felt like I clicked with Phil on the raw fear now gnawing away at him:

“The journey easily becomes a desolate stretch of road, the destination coming no closer, when faced with daily emails wondering about when the next piece of fiction will drop and having no good answer or while watching idly as peers put out new material every other day (or so some day it seems).

When did any of that start to matter? At some point, it didn’t even exist.”

The troubadour of the tight jeans and cowboy boots is right. When did any of this — the comparisons, the results, the numbers — matter? When did all that come into play?

For me, it came into play when this story Pip and I wrote together, sold. First here. Then overseas.

Getting published isn’t the hard part. It’s living up to the hype.

There’s a lot riding on Phoenix Rising. At least, that’s what I’m seeing. The book hasn’t sold a single copy, and yet we’ve made back our advance. How? International sales. Australia and New Zealand. Germany. Russia. Everyone—even our super-agent—is floored by this; and we are thrilled. While this momentum is building, Pip and I are still working the marketing angles. We have been building up our modest Twitter account for Agents Books and Braun, running #SteamTuesday tweets, the odd steampunk article or three, and dropping teasers for both Phoenix Rising and the sequel in the works, Of Cogs and Corsets. We also have the Tales from the Archives podcast that launched last week, and a green light from the publisher to shoot a book trailer. Then starting in April, Pip and I hit blogs and podcasts, ramping up the following month with Ministry May-hem. (See what we did there?) That’s when we hit the road.

As the clock on the Ministry website continues to count down, a news story concerning a new publishing sensation reached my ears, and I found it a little hard to believe. I thought it was nothing more than eBook hype and propaganda. Being the librarian with the Black Belt of research fu, though, Pip pulled up the video…

 

 

Amanda Hocking’s story is pretty astounding when you look at it objectively. For pennies compared to what I have invested into my own writing career, Hocking has sold a staggering number of digital books. 900,000 and climbing. She has become a juggernaut of literature in less than a year, and reached that point in her press where she is debunking a few myths of her amazing ride. I admire that.

But on seeing the clip, I went on a rant in front of Pip. A rant you will never hear and never read. Safe to say, I didn’t react well to it. At all.

The odd thing about this rant was is I couldn’t pin down what I was feeling. I wasn’t angry at Pip. (Obviously.) I wasn’t angry at Amanda Hocking. (Jealous? Yeah, okay, maybe. Just a bit.) I was angry at something, I knew that. (Check…although furniture kicking never occurred. At least, on this instance.)

After spewing out this private rant, I dropped back into my chair and attempted to return to my work-in-progress, drained of any motivation and inspiration to write. Completely. I snapped, “What’s the point? Why the hell do I even bother?”

That was when Pip said it: “You can’t give up. You’re not allowed.”

Then it hit. And it’s still hitting me. I figured out why I was so angry…I’m scared.

I’m scared that Ministry won’t go the way people are telling me it will go. I’m scared the book will hit the shelves and people will hate it. I’m scared that I’ve got all these great ideas, but I’ll suddenly find myself unable to get beyond the pitch. I’m scared of losing that ability to write. I’m also scared with the international sales already set, Ministry is going to fall short of everyone’s expectations.

But what Amanda Hocking triggered was a fear that I’ve always thought has loomed over my writing career: I’m scared that I’m doing something wrong.

At least, that’s what my head is telling me.

I understand what Pip meant though. I’m not allowed to give up. Neither is Phil. We still have stories to tell. We have audio to engineer. For guys like us (and anyone driven by passions of a creative nature), the rules no longer apply. No matter how bad it may seem, we’re not allowed to give up. Onward. Always.

This fear isn’t a bad thing. It’s good. It keeps me focused and driven. I know that when I’m the most terrified, I’m sharp. My heart pounds like a jack rabbit before a speaking event, before a panel discussion, and when introducing myself at the beginning of a workshop. I know that I’m alive, and every rapid pound in my chest reminds me that I have earned the right to be here and it’s time for my “A” game. If I didn’t want to take a chance, if I didn’t believe in what I create, if I doubted my skill and talent, then I could find contentment in writing stories and keeping them to myself. I have chosen a path that agents, editors, and publisher have all told me few undertake. The fear is my acknowledgement of a challenge before me, and I am ready to face it.

Speaking of facing those demons, I understand Phil’s writing again.

“I was rewarded with the start of what could be a very tasty short piece of fiction and the knowledge that, yes, I can do this.   We are defined largely by our own perception. If I think I can’t write, then I’m not going to be able to do it.  If I consider myself capabable of telling a good tale, then that’s just what’ll happen.  Belief is a powerful thing.

And in this case, I’d say it’s magic.”

I found out this weekend it was his idea for Tales from the Archives that has got his butt back in the chair. Inspiration. Kind of like how his earlier blogposts inspired this posting.

In a perfect world, I believe that how we should be to each other: inspiring. That really is, as Queen once put it, a kind of magic.

UPDATE: When this post went live, Lou Anders of Pyr Books pointed people in his Facebook feed to Amanda’s blog. In her March 3 blogpost “Some Things that Need to Be Said,” Amanda goes even deeper into her success and some of the misconceptions and bold assumptions people are making. She also offers her own observations of being a self-published author versus a traditional press published author, and she pulls no punches:

“Self-publishing and traditional publishing really aren’t that different. One is easier to get into but harder to maintain. But neither come with guarantees. Some books will sell, some won’t.”

Before you get on the “Who Needs Traditional Publishing?” bandwagon, you will want to read this heartfelt and brutally honest posting from one of digital publishing’s success stories.

And to you, Amanda, I say “Kia Kaha! Now get your butt back in that chair and write!”

Be Sociable, Share!

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Anne Lyle March 14, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I hear you on the fear, Tee – I’ve gone from “biting fingernails awaiting acceptance” to “talking contracts and deadlines and cover art” in the space of about three weeks, and my head’s still a-whirl! I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve already written one book and had it accepted, so of course I can do it again. Right? Damn right!

Reply

Nuchtchas March 14, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I’m so happy that you’ve got as many pre-orders as you do, and I can totally understand the fears you are having. Like Pip said, you can’t quit, because knowing you, it’s just not possible for you to cease your creativity, you’re a better person when you’re writing.

Reply

Doc Coleman March 15, 2011 at 6:02 am

Thank you for putting a Queen song in my head for today. :D And for a very powerful post.

In some ways, it is nice to hear that even people that we consider to be successful have fears for their own success. It is a very human thing to worry over the outcome of things that are important to you. The trick is to make sure that instead of paralyzing you, it drives you to take action and make a difference. But you know this, Tee. You’ve done it time and again. Sometimes life just gives us little reminders so we don’t forget that we can do something about out fears.

Once you’ve opened that Pandora’s Box of creativity, you can’t quit. If you close off one avenue, another one will open up. That creativity MUST be expressed. The only question is how it will come out.

Oh, and I wouldn’t worry about the book. It has an audience. It is just a question of letting the two of them find each other.

Doc

Reply

Mach_5 March 15, 2011 at 10:50 am

I agree with Doc’s points wholeheartdly. It applies to life in general not just to our professional lives; “the trick is to make sure that instead of paralyzing you, it drives tou to take action…” You are doing just that (and inspiring others to do the same I might add) no matter what the fear causing issue.

Hang in there and while you might not look back and say “well that was easy” when this part is done you will say “well that was certainly worth it.”

Reply

Scott Roche March 18, 2011 at 7:44 am

Thanks for writing this Tee. I admire you, Tee, and Phil quite a bit and while I don’t wish fear or writer’s block on anyone it’s good to know (and in some ways disquieting to know) that fear is still an issue. Like you say though, you can’t let it stop you. “Fear is the mind killer,” if you let it be.

“Kia Kaha!” indeed.

Reply

Scott Roche March 18, 2011 at 7:44 am

And that should have been “you, Pip, and Phil”. Evidently a lack of sleep/caffeine is also a mind killer. ;-)

Reply

Nobilis Reed March 18, 2011 at 8:31 am

I have been in that head-space. I have looked at the success others have had, and the differences between the choices they’ve made, and the choices I’ve made, and felt that erosion, at the core of which is the sneaking suspicion that I am deluding myself.

My self-doubt is a many-headed hydra.

There’s the head that says, “People who say they like your work are just being nice.”
Another says, “You’re being self-indulgent.”
Another says, “Your writing doesn’t matter. It’s pointless wankery.”
Another says, “You should be putting videos on YouTube.”
“You should be more active on Facebook.”
“You should be blogging.”

And just like the hydra, none of these heads is ever completely silenced. Cut it off, it just grows back. Herakles himself was unable to defeat the hydra on his own; he needed Iolaus to burn the stumps to keep them from growing back.

You, Tee, and others like you… you are my Iolaus. Thank you.

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: